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Summary
On episode 660 of 40+ Fitness, Coach Allan sits down with Barbara and Michael Grossman, authors of Ageless Love: The Sexy Science of Falling in Love Forever. Dr. Barbara holds a PhD in pastoral counseling and has led marriage classes for thousands of couples over 20 years. Dr. Michael is an anti aging physician and longtime meditation teacher who has led attitudinal healing classes for over 20 years.
The Grossmans use a quantum physics metaphor, waves versus particles, to explain why we open up or shut down in conflict, then walk through five psychospiritual stages every long term relationship moves through.
They also cover the physiological side of intimacy after 40, from menopause to low testosterone, and why forgiveness is central to both the relationship and your own health.
Links
- https://fallinginloveforever.com
- https://ocwellness.com
- https://doctormichaelmeditation.com
Key Takeaways
- Quantum physics offers a working metaphor for how we react to conflict. An electron behaves like an open wave until it is observed, then it localizes into a particle. In relationships, we stay open and connected when we feel safe, but criticism or judgment makes us constrict, get defensive, and react like a particle.
- Structured communication prevents blowups. The Grossmans recommend making an actual appointment to discuss a sensitive topic rather than raising it in the moment, and practicing listening all the way through without interrupting before responding.
- Catching small hurts early stops them from compounding. Their “ouch” technique lets a partner flag a small hurt in the moment, before resentment builds into a much bigger, harder to resolve issue.
- Relationships move through five psychospiritual stages: innocence, orphan, caretaker, warrior, and wise elder. Couples who marry young often start at the caretaker stage together, then grow apart as one partner moves into a warrior phase of career and ambition. Understanding these stages as normal development, not personal betrayal, keeps couples from taking the gap personally.
- Most intimacy problems after midlife are physiological, not emotional. Dr. Michael estimates 70 to 80 percent of the time the cause is physiological, like menopause symptoms in women or slowly declining testosterone in men, both of which are treatable with bioidentical hormone therapy and other medical options rather than talk therapy alone.
- Forgiveness, including of yourself, is required for a fulfilling life. Holding onto resentment and wanting to “get someone back” always causes more psychological and physiological harm to the person holding the grudge than to the person who hurt them.
- Marriage surfaces unresolved childhood wounds. Living intimately with a partner brings old family wounds to the surface, and partners can learn each other's specific sensitivities to actively help heal them rather than accidentally triggering them.
- Dr. Barbara's three strategies to get and stay well: exercise regularly, eat healthy in a way that fits your personal physiology, and stay connected through regular deep conversation and regular sex.
- Dr. Michael's three strategies to get and stay well: actively work on the skills that keep you emotionally connected to your partner, practice meditation to calm the stress response, and have a doctor who looks at your overall well-being rather than just treating isolated symptoms.
“If you think you're going to hurt someone else by not forgiving them, you have to see the big picture. That always hurts you more than it hurts them.”
Dr. Michael Grossman
Another Episode You May Enjoy
Episode 677 – How to fix your menopause metabolism with Cara Metz
Episode Notes
Podcast: 40+ Fitness
Episode: 660
Published: 2024-09-17
Host: Allan Misner (aka Coach Allan), author of The Wellness Roadmap
Guest(s): Barbara and Michael Grossman · Rachel (post-show), our co host, coach Rachel, Ageless Love
Listen & Subscribe: Apple Podcasts · Spotify · YouTube (audio only)
